This fictional writing aims to capture the experience of a creative block, using it as a metaphor for a crisis of identity and the journey of reconnecting in one’s new work.
She is trying to write something in French and has the words to express it, yet they don’t fall onto the page as she wishes. Intentionally, she chooses the word “fall” over “land,” as falling implies a freedom that landing does not. Sometimes, when she hears herself speaking French, she feels a sense of strangeness; at times, she becomes overly familiar and connected, while at other moments, she feels incomprehensible and distant from her own understanding. Having spent most of her life outside France, she now considers Melbourne her home, intertwined with her experience of painting.
What connects France and painting for her is her artistic practice, which is situated here in Melbourne. Melbourne is a location, while France is a place, and painting is life itself. In painting, there’s a satisfaction she derives from creation.
In her workspace, she has created a space for painting, filled with objects from her favorite places. On her desk rests a small souvenir from Barcelona and hand-painted glass bottles adorned with designs of fish, wind, and water, which she purchased years ago in Florence. Having seen these bottles on artists’ Instagram pages, she took the metro that morning from Rome to Florence to find these unique pieces of art. The four-hour train trip was worth it, and she carefully wrapped them in her carry-on bag to bring to Melbourne. They resemble vinegar or lemon juice bottles, with long necks and delicate, thin glass that is prone to breaking; such fragile glass is rare nowadays.
Yet, the bodies of the bottles allow for artistic expression. The artist’s brush meets the surface of the bottle, and the ink spreads only within the boundaries set by thicker lines. Shapes of birds, leaves, and blossoming trees emerge, creating a unique space. How can such an atmosphere be maintained between color and joy, excitement and the feeling of being overwhelmed, which she often hears in her conversations? A mentor once advised her to breathe during moments of intense stress and tension. Of course, breathing is inherent to human nature; it’s something living beings must do. Fortunately, drawing oxygen into our lungs is one of those things we don’t need to think about.
She asked a fellow artist how this breathing feels for them.
“Oh, first I pull my thoughts and feelings inside myself, then I remember to take a few deep breaths and not say anything, and then I try to ignore everything by not responding to my partner.”
Breathing is essential to life, yet the artist’s approach to breathing seems more like a way to block air than to breathe freely. Taking in air symbolizes occupying space and having a smooth flow of emotions, which is certainly not possible with this kind of breathing. When plants can’t absorb air, they become yellow, brittle, and weak; as speaking beings, we too become fragile and incapacitated when we fill ourselves without air, without any capacity.
Once, a fellow artist spoke of “combining the limbs of the body,” describing a physical disorder as well as a metaphor about integrating and neutralizing the body in the outside world. The body is not merely something we wear on our bones and skin, but a way to create a body from sculpting clay, canvas, or paper to form lines and the body of colors.
Instead of cutting into the body to separate the meaning assigned to it, we can externalize it using objects outside ourselves, working with them and shaping them to satisfy our creative desires. When she speaks of creativity, she doesn’t mean art alone. Creating something is a constant process; whenever something is spoken, something is immediately created. Yet, as memory can be insufficient and humans are inherently social beings, we find ways to transform words into signs and meanings, giving them physical existence in the world beyond the boundaries of our minds.
Perhaps this is a way for her to breathe outside of her mind and body, taking an element of her existence as a creative means to cultivate a mental space within and build a relationship with the world beyond her borders, navigating the complexities of her identity in a new land similar to what we do when we speak in psychoanalysis.